Sunday, December 04, 2005

On the Death of My Cat

My favorite cat died. It's been several weeks now, but it's all I want to talk about. I'm surprised I haven't written about it here before. I just want him back. I want him back so badly, it's not even funny. I love him so, so much and it hurts.

Not too long after he died, I woke up in the middle of the night and saw him. I'm still on the fence on whether or not it was just a dream, or his actual ghost. I don't know if I believe in ghosts, but I remember waking up...But maybe it was just a dream. The best dream I ever had.

Who knows.

All I know is that I can't pet him anymore.

If my cat is with the gods right now, I hope they remember to scratch him under his chin once in a while. He always liked that.

P.S. Remember what I mentioned here and here about pictures falling off as an omen of death? Well, not even a week before my cat died, not one but TWO pictures fell off the wall, and I knew that that week was the week.

So this is the third time this omen has come true. Eerie.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

To Tell or Not to Tell

It's hard to believe that I've had this blog for nearly a year now and I have so few posts. Not true with my other blogs, but then again, this is the secret one. This is the one that even my family doesn't know about, and therefore, I have to post when they are not around.

Everyone's asleep except for me. Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to read a chapter in Exploring the Pagan Path: Wisdom From the Elders. I figured that I needed some Elders advice since I'm doing this alone!

It's silly, though, because I do know a couple other Pagans. But I still haven't confessed my newfound religion with them. I was thinking about that the other day. I think I'm afraid that once it's out there, there's no taking it back. That, and I think it's difficult to admit take on a new and strange label, especially when you were loud and proud about the old one. It's easier to just take on the ways of your new religion. For example, throw a Goddess into your prayers at night, add a couple stones to a table with flowers on it and secretly call it an alter, things like that.

I found out the other day that a friend is Wiccan. At least, I think she might be. I also found out she is bi. Odd thing is that this friend was originally a total Bible-thumping homophobe, which was something I couldn't stand about her before. (Not the Christian part, but the Bible-thumping homophobe part. I know a lot of cool Christians.) She's never actually told me, but I found out via her blog. But apparently her family knows, and I guess she's having a rough time with her parents. But I was thinking that if she has the guts to come out like this with a double-whammy, why can't I admit my religion too? It's not like my atheism was so popular before.

I thought about it. I thought about it a lot. I may be many things, but one thing I'm not is chicken. So why don't I want to tell? And then it dawned on me: I just don't want to share it. This is like a quiet, internal happiness. I don't want it taken from me. And until I feel the need to share it with others, I'll savor the silence, listening for the gods.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Meditation?

I'm horrible about updating this blog. This is mostly because I have to find private time to write for it, because I'm still in the closet about all this. But right now, I have a few precious minutes to discuss my last meditation, which I fell into accidentally the other day.

During this meditation or whatever you want to call it, I actually had some visions. I'm not saying that they're the precognitive sort; rather, I think of them mostly as dreams that could benefit from analysis. In these visions, I had a home, and to my surprise, it looked nothing like the houses that I had been dreaming of. It was more of a cottage. I was surprised at how much I loved it, and it made me rethink my guidelines on what my future home should look like.

I also had strange images of a former flame showing up on my doorstep. I don't think I want that to happen, so I'm wondering if I should consider these scenes on a symbolic level? In my "dream," I reached sort of an understanding with this ex; it seemed as if I finally accepted it. I wonder what that means.

Or maybe I'm wrong about all this and I really do want to see him again.

Or maybe I shouldn't worry over it so much. Maybe it's nothing.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Lughnasadh

This was the first time I ever did anything for a Pagan holiday, although it was quite small. I simply harvested some of the plants around the house, took them outside, and laid them on the ground. I poured a libation onto the ground and said a little thanks to the God and Goddess.

It wasn't much, but it was something. A start. It was nice.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

The Notebook

For a long time, I've wanted to start a BOS, but simply had no idea how to go about it. I've heard conflicting things about it. Some say to keep several books: a Book of Dreams, a Book of Mirrors, a Book of Lights, and a Book of Shadows. Some say to put it all in one. Some say to use a binder and type it, while others argue that it's best in your own writing.

I've come to the conclusion that it's just got to be what's right for you. It's a book of learning, of notes to keep to yourself. Lavendar is good for relaxing, for example, and perhaps you want to list herbs, oils and their properties.

It's a book that, in some ways, should be closer to your heart than a diary. I don't know about anyone else, but there are things I wouldn't even put in my diary, but that's another story.

I found a book today that just screamed Book of Shadows to me, although it's not what you'd think of when you see one. I usually think of a big musty book, leather and handcrafted, written in impeccable handwriting. This notebook is small with regular notebook paper in the inside, but the outside is ornate. It's gorgeous. It's perfect.

The only problem is that I'd want to show this thing off, but being that it's going to serve as a BOS, it has to remain hidden. I am thinking about going out and buying a few more, however. They're expensive and small, but they have the feel that I've been looking for. I just can't bring myself to buy one of those plain black books with the pentagram or ankh or other symbols that they sell in occult shops. One, it's too obvious (especially the pentagram), and two, it just doesn't feel like "home." A BOS should feel like home.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Again, Life Gets in the Way

I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I can't believe how many idiotic, sexist pigs are still in existence today, and how they're making me want to drop out of the human race altogether.

The majority of people, of course, are not sexist pigs. But I'm so tired of the "feminazi" label that Republicans have successfully advertised as a catchall label for any woman who dares to think that she should have the same things a man has. Minus the penis, of course.

But enough of that. I'm learning more about Tarot cards lately. If I had to pick one card that calls me the most, it would have to be the High Priestess. I've heard this is supposed to representive of me, but I don't think she is. I think she's someone I want to meet, someone I want to learn from. There's something haunting about that card.

I wish I had more to type here. I logged on because it's been so long, but honestly, I haven't moved far from where I was before. I still haven't made a decision regarding which path I want to take, nor have I spent as much time learning as I should have. Truthfully, I don't know when it's going to happen either, and I feel terrible about it.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Tarot Love

I'm beginning to fall in love with my Tarot cards. Well, not really, but I am finding them to be very accurate. I don't want to go into the reading I did tonight because it would take forever and I don't have much time, but let's just say that everything was right on the money. I'm excited, not only for the prospects, but that I seem to be doing well with type of divination.